I have been so irritable this past week I dont know why. Everything is annoying me, including people and i don't want to be surrounded by any one person. I just want space and loneliness. I want to be alone with my emotions because I refuse to expose them, what's going on in my life and how it makes me feel. I had to work today and I felt like yelling at every customer that walked in, and everyone who was bossing me around. Last night everything I supressed flowed out of my like a stream. And now I feel like I am still cooling off. Unsure of if i feel okay, and stable enough to speak or be around others.

I had a great conversation with my best friend Monica, again today. She kind of inspired hope for me, from her past experience which was similar to the one I was telling her about. I have never had a friend like Monica before. She is the only person I find I can open myself up to, and trust. I dont know why but i believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason. and she just happens to be one of those rare people that comes around, the rare type of person that is worth talking and spending time with..someone you wouldnt just stop being friends with because you dont find it often. So im holding on to only few of those people in my life.

Im just really happy I can say I have a friend that cares. That gives me advice that is meaningful to me. Im glad I can talk to her and feel someone understands me.

Thank you Monica.

I look forward to the future, and how much further our friendship continues and everything it goes through.

Unravelling

Im sitting here alone, while everyone falls asleep. and I enjoy it. I am sitting here listening to Sigur Ros for the first time, and I love it, its amazing really. And this song, the music, is how I feel inside right now. Today my family had friends over, I had my friend Meagan over who I havent really seen or spoken to in a really long time it felt like, but today was a great catch up. A great reminder of "friends" and what good friends we used to be in the past. Now, though we are different people, older, mature, we've realized life. I feel as if we havent shared any of that, the in-between. But we are who we are. Sometimes distance isnt a bad thing, I guess.

While there were all these people in my home, I crept upstairs to my room... and I started to cry for reasons I cant explain, reasons that have affected me from things that have happened in the last month that I havent talked to anyone about. Luckily, I have a best friend Monica who was giving me really great advice, and comforting me over text. It was helpful. I just needed to let tears flow that were hiding somewhere, behind my eyes. I just didn't feel like being around anyone. It's strange, I catch myself saying sometimes that I am alone, or loney but the truth is I choose to be alone. So I cant really say that, and complain over it when it is something I always want. I tend to isolate, escape from crowds, to just be with myself in my own little world where people can't say or do anything to hurt me. A world where I can just talk and be..alone. Sometimes I feel like there are two of me, and I am my own best friend.

I don't know. There is so much I want to do in this world. It's so big, but money is a huge factor a huge NEED to be able to do all these things I want to do, and I hate that. The main thing I feel I need to do is travel, just travel through this huge planet that is home, that doesnt belong to any physical human being, so who can stop us from all of this? Why? I just, I find it unfair, I dont understand how some things have come to be. But, I am hopeful I will succeed in the direction I have pointed to and decided to walk through. I will write, and I will get to travel. One day. It's just a matter of time. Time can be nothing. It's just the things I decide to do in between, until I get there...to my destination.

I have mentally been searching, grasping, holding, trying, hurting, discovering that there isnt even a word for it. But I am growing and I am just trying to pick up my life and start it. I just dont know how or where to begin. Your given life and then you have to decide what to do with it. But, does one ever really discover there one true purpose? God did give one to each of us but I feel as if its hidden between layers and we have to go through them all till we unwrap the true meaning, the purpose, all the answers we've been waiting for right at the core of us.

I really dont know. I find that I have discovered mine, but I also find that every time I discover something it feels as if something else is missing all over again and I guess those are the layers, and it takes one at a time. I try to not be anxious about anything to have patience and that with prayer and petition things will come, anxiety will leave. But im here, and im scared. So many things are slowly unravelling I dont know which to go to first. But right now I am waiting to pick my life up and start it, press play, something! But things and people keep coming and going and I dont know where to turn. I did something I couldnt do. I dont even know if that was the right thing to do but it took strength. And now i am waiting to see what happens. why is life just one big waiting room? Do we ever escape it, do we ever enter the room that we are waiting to arrive in? Do we ever enter a room that will feel permanent instead of temporary?

Unravelling.
Hiding.
Answers.
In between layers.
There is so much absence, what am I to look for?
I feel as if someone told me to paint a picture, paint out my life. And I am just staring at the canvas with a paint brush in my hand, and dont know where to begin, what objects to start with, what colours to use, or technique.

I am walking but I dont know where this path will lead to.
I want to start now, time is always going,
I want to seek, experience, love.
I want countries, cities, places.
Place me at my start line, I feel as if i'd hesitate but at the same time I want to run.

I am here just waiting, just waiting for the sun.

Sadness hits me today. I don't know why. Along my emotions are weeping words I am trying to let out. But i'm not. Maybe this anticipation is affecting me this way. I feel like I don't belong here. I don't belong to sit here, in this place, under this roof. Somewhere else is calling, and I only need to find my way there. I feel alone, and afraid but thats not enough to let go hope makes me stonger than everything fighting against it. I am longing for love. I am longing for someone to make me together. Longing makes you unhappy though. Longing leaves you sadness, as you want what you desire, as you wait for it and hope for it and dont know how or when its coming.

I pray and wish for it. I know with time everything falls into place.
This darkness is waiting for the light to chase it away.
I need to escape from this place.

I am off for dinner with the fam.
More venting to come,
later.

I feel like I am growing, spiritually growing. I had Youth tonight and what the young preachers were speaking, really spoke to me. I mean I felt it. I felt every word they preached. I loved the change in songs we did at Worship tonight, it was a truly beautiful sight to see so many different and new people there tonight. It seemed like the room was filled. And it pleased me to see everyone praising and speaking out to the Lord.

Right now, just spiritual thoughts are consuming my mind. Mike talked about how even in life you start off small and grow mature, and thats the same with spirituality. I am striving to go further. I am striving to soak up knowledge and wisdom of The Word and being able to present it to others comfortably and confidently being able to inspire or even touch peoples hearts in wanting to make them realize that it is a great and important thing to have a relationship with God. I do what I can, I pick of the Bible every now and then usually every day if not, every week at least. And that at least pleases me to see me feeding myself the knowledge I need to know to grow. You can't just rely on church, you need to learn how to feed yourself. And that is just what I am trying to do.

My spirtuality is a private thing to me. But I want to challenge myself to being able to let people know this about me so I can talk about it to them, so that they get a chance to be involved in Christianity, in having God. It is truly life changing, an experience you can't really explain unless you have gone through it yourself. My becoming a Christian has changed certain aspects of myself, thoughts or life. I want to grow closer to him, and every day I feel I continue to. This part of my life, my spirituality, having a relationship with God, it makes me happy and puts me in a different state. When I didnt have this spiritual aspect of me I was lost and felt something was missing. Now, I am finding the missing pieces. God found me, and that was all I needed.

There is something about waiting, its making me so anxious for me to get a reply, for me to find a letter addressed to me in my mailbox. In it will lie the answer to a question I have wanted to know for 4 years. I have hope. I dont know how I sent the letter, it really wasnt even me, I mean it was me who sent it, and wrote it, but I feel like someone invaded my body and took over. Someone who actually had the courage to do what I needed to do. I dont regret it at all. I have no emotion over it because I dont know what to expect. It is so unexpected that I even sent it. Still, I am waiting. I cant wait, i'm not really worried or excited over it, I feel..numb. I feel numb? Ya. I dont know how. I dont know why.

I think that when you feel a certain way for a long amount of time...the pain just doesnt even feel like pain anymore. And then the numbing hurts. I feel nothing, but I feel numb. Okay. Nothing is adding up for me. Again, I am moving but I feel like it wasnt me who moved. I am just sitting inside of myself while someone is controlling me and everything around me. Is that a chemical imbalance and how do those take place? How does anything take place, really. Were just living in this giant sphere spinning around some orbit, moving without any choice. Time going without a choice. So, when you have a thought that tells you to say or do something, it should be done in that moment. And that is why, I believe I sent that letter. Time passes, I dont want to be one to look back and wonder what could have been.

Several thoughts float around in my head, as it's time to hit the sheets. Maybe rest, maybe sleep can make this all disappear, but all the thoughts come back to haunt you in your dreams, and in your waking.

I wish I could escape the night, I hate when its time to end the day
when I am not ready for it to be over.
I am still grasping for time, for seconds, minutes a few hours ago.
but the seconds, minutes and hours move ahead. I need to learn to accept things that cannot be changed, accept things for how and what they are.

Even night time, even the fact that I am tired and dont want to go to sleep,
but I am going to sleep anyway.

goodnight, goodnight.

This summer has felt rather strange.
The days just feel like they are passing by while i sit down.
I feel like time is passing, going without me, and i dont know where to go,
in the moments that have dissapeared.

Something ends,
and i dont know where to begin,
im trapped in the same circle again.

Is this the beginning or the end, and where are the in-betweens?
how do you get there? how did I get here? and how must I ask
do I escape the circle, I have entered.
The circle that encircles me, that I let take me down.

You can't pull me, you can't push me,
I won't let anyone walk away with me,
I will walk first. I will escape where you cannot find me,
No path to follow, no hint, or tracks to find.
I will dissappear
and you will wonder. But I never will.
I never will look back, because I dont want to try.
Who invented trust, and who was first to break it?
and why now must it destroy everyone else into
not being able to even find it anymore.
Someone sends me a rope but i wont grab onto it.
I only believe that I can find my way, without anyone.
Because eventually they drag you into some deep dark hole
and bury you alive,
who survives that? and who wants to try to?

Your alone even if you take the rope.

There is this thing they call the Earth,
where people come and go
but heres the truth
you come into it, into life alone,
and you go it alone,
and when your gone,
dying
ending
you have no one to die in that moment with you.

Together-people are just as alone as lonesome people.

Your all lost.
Trying to find a way.
But really, where's the exit?
Where is the escape?

And the circle never ends. and the circle never breaks.

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