There is something about waiting, its making me so anxious for me to get a reply, for me to find a letter addressed to me in my mailbox. In it will lie the answer to a question I have wanted to know for 4 years. I have hope. I dont know how I sent the letter, it really wasnt even me, I mean it was me who sent it, and wrote it, but I feel like someone invaded my body and took over. Someone who actually had the courage to do what I needed to do. I dont regret it at all. I have no emotion over it because I dont know what to expect. It is so unexpected that I even sent it. Still, I am waiting. I cant wait, i'm not really worried or excited over it, I feel..numb. I feel numb? Ya. I dont know how. I dont know why.

I think that when you feel a certain way for a long amount of time...the pain just doesnt even feel like pain anymore. And then the numbing hurts. I feel nothing, but I feel numb. Okay. Nothing is adding up for me. Again, I am moving but I feel like it wasnt me who moved. I am just sitting inside of myself while someone is controlling me and everything around me. Is that a chemical imbalance and how do those take place? How does anything take place, really. Were just living in this giant sphere spinning around some orbit, moving without any choice. Time going without a choice. So, when you have a thought that tells you to say or do something, it should be done in that moment. And that is why, I believe I sent that letter. Time passes, I dont want to be one to look back and wonder what could have been.

Several thoughts float around in my head, as it's time to hit the sheets. Maybe rest, maybe sleep can make this all disappear, but all the thoughts come back to haunt you in your dreams, and in your waking.

I wish I could escape the night, I hate when its time to end the day
when I am not ready for it to be over.
I am still grasping for time, for seconds, minutes a few hours ago.
but the seconds, minutes and hours move ahead. I need to learn to accept things that cannot be changed, accept things for how and what they are.

Even night time, even the fact that I am tired and dont want to go to sleep,
but I am going to sleep anyway.

goodnight, goodnight.