Unravelling

Im sitting here alone, while everyone falls asleep. and I enjoy it. I am sitting here listening to Sigur Ros for the first time, and I love it, its amazing really. And this song, the music, is how I feel inside right now. Today my family had friends over, I had my friend Meagan over who I havent really seen or spoken to in a really long time it felt like, but today was a great catch up. A great reminder of "friends" and what good friends we used to be in the past. Now, though we are different people, older, mature, we've realized life. I feel as if we havent shared any of that, the in-between. But we are who we are. Sometimes distance isnt a bad thing, I guess.

While there were all these people in my home, I crept upstairs to my room... and I started to cry for reasons I cant explain, reasons that have affected me from things that have happened in the last month that I havent talked to anyone about. Luckily, I have a best friend Monica who was giving me really great advice, and comforting me over text. It was helpful. I just needed to let tears flow that were hiding somewhere, behind my eyes. I just didn't feel like being around anyone. It's strange, I catch myself saying sometimes that I am alone, or loney but the truth is I choose to be alone. So I cant really say that, and complain over it when it is something I always want. I tend to isolate, escape from crowds, to just be with myself in my own little world where people can't say or do anything to hurt me. A world where I can just talk and be..alone. Sometimes I feel like there are two of me, and I am my own best friend.

I don't know. There is so much I want to do in this world. It's so big, but money is a huge factor a huge NEED to be able to do all these things I want to do, and I hate that. The main thing I feel I need to do is travel, just travel through this huge planet that is home, that doesnt belong to any physical human being, so who can stop us from all of this? Why? I just, I find it unfair, I dont understand how some things have come to be. But, I am hopeful I will succeed in the direction I have pointed to and decided to walk through. I will write, and I will get to travel. One day. It's just a matter of time. Time can be nothing. It's just the things I decide to do in between, until I get there...to my destination.

I have mentally been searching, grasping, holding, trying, hurting, discovering that there isnt even a word for it. But I am growing and I am just trying to pick up my life and start it. I just dont know how or where to begin. Your given life and then you have to decide what to do with it. But, does one ever really discover there one true purpose? God did give one to each of us but I feel as if its hidden between layers and we have to go through them all till we unwrap the true meaning, the purpose, all the answers we've been waiting for right at the core of us.

I really dont know. I find that I have discovered mine, but I also find that every time I discover something it feels as if something else is missing all over again and I guess those are the layers, and it takes one at a time. I try to not be anxious about anything to have patience and that with prayer and petition things will come, anxiety will leave. But im here, and im scared. So many things are slowly unravelling I dont know which to go to first. But right now I am waiting to pick my life up and start it, press play, something! But things and people keep coming and going and I dont know where to turn. I did something I couldnt do. I dont even know if that was the right thing to do but it took strength. And now i am waiting to see what happens. why is life just one big waiting room? Do we ever escape it, do we ever enter the room that we are waiting to arrive in? Do we ever enter a room that will feel permanent instead of temporary?

Unravelling.
Hiding.
Answers.
In between layers.
There is so much absence, what am I to look for?
I feel as if someone told me to paint a picture, paint out my life. And I am just staring at the canvas with a paint brush in my hand, and dont know where to begin, what objects to start with, what colours to use, or technique.

I am walking but I dont know where this path will lead to.
I want to start now, time is always going,
I want to seek, experience, love.
I want countries, cities, places.
Place me at my start line, I feel as if i'd hesitate but at the same time I want to run.

I am here just waiting, just waiting for the sun.