The Crystal Hearts

It glistens in the light,
It sparkles in the sun.
It shines, through dips and cuts.
The hiding places that make it up.

In silver, in gold.
In bands "forever."

The significance, the circle that is an eternity.

We walk, we hold and this is love.

We are crystal recycled.
We are crystal, fragile.

Too easy to break, too beautiful to look at.

Quick to shatter, delicate to learn.

This is love.

Indescribable and filled with beats.

You need to fall, to feel.

Safe

And all the guards,
fell down.
And left the locks broken.
Left the fence open.

Anyone can walk in now.

The safety box has been demolished.

Deserted

There is honestly,
Nothing more to write.
Nothing more to say.
Nothing more to be.

Nothing.

Crossroad

I don't know if you're coming back.
You don't want to wait.
Why should I?

I made you aware that I don't play games

I am not a dice to be tossed around,
Or a piece you can keep running
Around a course.

If you have a manual, I have not read it.
If you have an objective, you have not presented it.

I have come back. I am standing in front of your strained eyes.

This time, is right now.

Occupy me, or let another player pick my piece.

Shell

I really lost my heart.
And this time I can't find it.
I call for it,
I look for it.
It is nowhere.
All that leads me, is my mind.
All I hear is my mind,
So I listen.

It could be up to me to change.
But instead, I sit here waiting..
Because it always feels like there is something that is going to happen.
Something, an awakening, anything.
Nothing ever happens. And the waiting will not. ever. stop.
Right?

So do I force myself up out the door and try to find sanity
within the crowds and routine lived by others?
Creating the same thing for myself...?

I am looking for my heart,
because I have blocked off everything I can feel.

And I can't feel.
So, I don't know
What I care about.

I try to dig that knife into my skin,
Into my wrists.
Just so that I can feel SOMETHING.

And I wake up to examine the marks I left.
I need to know that I am real. I need to feel it.
But instead.
I am just dead.
I am just...empty.

Just a shell.

Take Me

I'm sorry I pulled away.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to leave you.

I ran. I feared. I lost.

I'm sorry I hid.
I'm sorry I got away.

I didn't realize what I was leaving behind.
What could grow.

I forgot how to feel.
I have blocked every feeling I am capable of feeling.

I have closed completely.
I need to be broken, crashed, picked up and thrown on the ground,
Into a million pieces.

I need to bleed.
I need to see.
Breathe.

Because I cant feel a thing.
I'm motionless, and ending.

I need you to pull me, and take me away with you.

State of Soil

I have forgotten what I consist of.
There is land and there is sea.
And they meet.
But they don't speak.

I float, disconnected and unable to find the way back.
I tumble, recklessly unable to find a break to stop.

There is no feeling, breathing or seeing.

Only emptiness, like a box lacking continents.

So, I will never get shipped away
Or filled, or full.

Just dusted and lingering amongst the soil,
which continues to dry, and crack and take off with debris.

Memory wiped away from the moment I landed and touched this ground.

The One Who Won't Stop Waiting

The feeling of waiting.
I wonder.."Does it ever really go away?"
Sometimes I just wish all of this would stop.
Everything that I think..I start to feel. And it eats away at me.
Everything inside me is uncertain and unknowing.
Unendingly questioning every existence.
Every thought, every word, every feeling.
Every thing.

And I wait for it to pass. But it never does.
You never find what you're waiting for
because eventually there will be something else to wait for.
The cycle that is infinity.

And sometimes I think that maybe...we will never disappear.
Maybe it's impossible.
When it's possible my brain is my own expanding universe.

Run

I'm taking action.
I'm making a change.
I'm releasing the smoke left in my lungs.
I'm starting a new trace.

Leading a new journey.

Running with a quick pulse,
Till my breath quickens,
and my legs burn.

I want to feel it work.
I want to feel alive.
I want to feel a physical sting.

Because all I really know...
Are these emotions that drag me down
To where I cant find a way back up.

I see a light, i'm running.

Roots

The plane preparing for take-off,
Fell to the ground.

The girl waiting for the boy,
Walked away.

The clock flying by,
Stopped working.

The world eternally spinning,
Ended.

The blood pulsing through your veins,
Came to being still.

The loss in your heart,
Disappeared.

The love of your life,
left.

But the roots that clench into the ground.
Hold you together.
Piece by piece and branch by branch.

You will become a forest, a battle,
endless growing, reaching to the height of a drifting cloud.

Trees that are soliders
Fighting, pulsing
Roots digging, deeper. Into the ground.
And you will never move, and you will never become lost.

Turning into Water

Saying you want to be around me, only scares me. I run in the opposite direction from what I think one will do to me. Hurt me. Take me. Use me. Destroy me. So I run away. I lose an opportunity and hope I was right to leave it behind me. Hope it won't be regretted. Fear holds us back. Fear stops me. From trying or hoping this could be real. As soon as you hold my hand. I become numb. Everything inside frozen. Immune to melting what your fire will try to burn...

The Chase of Love and Broken Wings

And if you feel alone,
don't be afraid to tell me your words.

I will take you in with my wings,
I will take your words,
If you let me rescue you.

I see the world inside of you that is hidden
With your tears.

I will catch them if you let me.

Just a glimpse was all I needed.

But when you cast away, I am left stranded.
When you cast away I am lost.

You don't understand that all I wanted to do was love you.
I have forgotten how to fly.

Abandonment

My heart clings, you leave.
It stings.

You go away.
You never come back.
We never speak again.

My heart is left with a permanent mark.
A reminder to not get close to people.

I could never understand why goodbye's have been so difficult for me.
But I realize now. Im alone.

The few I have let in, the few I were close with that meant everything to me, disappeared.
I lose faith.
And start to believe that I am meant to be alone.

The guards grow, I will never escape this cave I've surrounded myself with.

But everyone else will...

The Dream I Never Dreamt

In all the words, in all the ways, in all the days, I lie awake.
I dream of you, I smell your scent, I dream and find my secrets to vent.

I find your touch, we kiss and break, we hold and let go, we see and become absent.

We talk and then we're silent.

You speak, and then ignore.

You look for me, I wait for you. You wait for me.

The pull of love, the exchange, the growth, the roots, becoming, ending.

The pulse quickening, slowing.

The heart break approaching, waiting.
Falling apart, replaying.

Tears, suffocating.
Everything you ever said, every moment we ever had has now bursted...

With all the numbness that is left, the emptiness, the loneliness.
My feelings have been disguised.

We were never real, were we?
I swear it just feels like a dream.

Self-Murder

What is in my head is hurting, is aching.
You don't know what they do to me.
And you just hope for me to stay submerged.

In this ocean, of fear, darkness, and insomnia.

"Kill. Yourself. Death. Die. Dying."
They whisper.

And I have no way to escape.
I once assumed death is my way out.
Of this trap I am consumed by.

If I could find the way to break free
I will never be coming back here.

The Worthless World

They don't need to hear the secrets.
They don't need to understand.

Be safe within yourself.
Within your little box,
Your little cage.
Stocked away.

Protected. Numb. Hiding.

Away from the world who are willing to hurt you
With everything they can.

Choke

Worthlessness chokes it's hands around my throat.
And I'm gasping for air that is out of my reach.

Tears exploding, face becoming damp.
Hyperventilating the pain stabbing at my heart.

Slaughtering the feelings I can't explain.

Excruciating.
And you keep turning away from me.
Assuming the worst of me,
Don't ask what's wrong.
Just keep throwing your weapons at me.

And I continue to drown.
Invisible.

Falling and waiting to fly.
But I never hit the bottom.
I'm waiting to break.

Leave this world.
This world doesn't want me.

Pain, hurt, searing within me.
I battle this fight everyday,
And I fail, and I bleed.

My screams cannot be heard.
Inside I suffocate.

Hanging on by a thread. And I only want to let go.
Land upon a different star.
This one is dying,
This one is burning.

I want to learn to shine.
I want to feel light.

I want to be okay.
And I don't know how much longer I'm willing to wait..

Detached in Imagination

Rolling waves, and staggering seas.
Wind being inhaled and exhaled out of me.
Fire twisting, igniting burning light.

Stars and planets to look up to through the night.

Thoughts in broken pieces and loss of memory or explanation.

All I feel is a pang. A sting. A burn. That continues to pulse through my entire being.

Taken up by beating sorrows captured in my heart.
Unwilling to let go and be released through my brittle veins.

A pen in my hand can't move, a thought in my mind can't breathe.
An eye in the dark cannot see.

Demand to be shot through a forest and lose your way home.
Contained with useful actions and communication.
So you won't have to think or learn
Just how to bear
everything you want ignored.

Im outside of my body, detached from the world.
And I am incapable of giving you an answer to anything of what it is in the world that is certain.
Or what is real.

The whistle of the wind, being wind.
I wish it were a friend.
That could tell me just what I am.

The Break Without A Cure

Why do I still want you
And think of you
And miss you.

When I'm absolutely nothing,
In your mind.

I want to give you, what I couldn't before.
But I know that if I did, it would kill me.

You haven't even asked to come back in my life.
And I'll just wish that you never will.

Secretly wanting a glimpse of your eyes to stare back in mine, a last time.

The Night of A New Year

I don't know what happened,
Or if it meant anything.

If it will..

But through the night my hand was held.
You turned to me, we walked through darkness
Unaware.

I have fear and nostalgia, and I let both of them stop me.
I am uncertain. I don't know what I want.

Even if you do, you can't help me.
How do you open yourself up to something
When everything inside you has run dry?
Everything inside has become empty.

I try to remind myself to smile,
But I have no memory of what I am fighting against anymore.