Insomniac?

I don't know what this insomnia is, I haven't been able to sleep in a long time. I'm tired but as soon as i go to bed, I'm not tired anymore. I wake up when it's time to sleep, I don't know why but i'm really not happy about it. I decided i'd like to add "Where words fail, music speaks." next to my tattoo I got back in April. I feel like the quote will complete the whole meaning of the tattoo I was trying to portray of music, and how much it means to me. The reason I think I can't sleep is because of the mind-racing it makes me restless. There is too much concern for me to just shut off, put aside and fall asleep. I feel like sleeping won't solve anything, so I stay awake, I write, I think about life and the world, me and the others around me.

For some or maybe even most people sleep IS an escape. But I can't find one, unless I am writing that is the only way I feel I can escape. I need to express what is happening in my mind to myself on paper. I need to spell it out, let it go. Here is an update for all you readers: I am currently writing a book, a novel titled A Fire In The Sky. This isn't my first attempt at a book, the last one I attempted to write stopped at 15 pages, because it got too painful to write about. See, usually I write from inspiration and I was inspired because it was a true story, it IS my true broken hearted story.I stopped writing because I lost my inspiration through hmm, let me see a rejection? Ya. I guess that was it. It involved a guy and I couldnt fathom to write about him and our "Story" any longer. our "Story" that really never existed, maybe I was trying to make that happen. Maybe I though if I could write one for us that it would happen, that I can write my happy ending and make it feel real. But that's the thing, I came to that realization. It wasn't real. There was no "you and I". If you understand, it was all in my head. When he was confronted and let me down that is when it hit me, that is when the realization came and woke me up. I can't even describe the pain to you. There was so much pain for so long that now when I look back on everything I held onto, I feel like it never even happened. I just tried to grasp onto something and keep it, and when it was gone and out of my reach, I just felt like a part of me went missing. Maybe that sounds crazy, as long as it makes sense in my head I dont really care.

I feel like the more you think about things, the more the existence of them starts to fade and you start to question things. On my end, I'm learning and trying to be one who can have the ability to accept things. We all have that ability, its just tougher for some than others, I suppose. Everyone has their own personal issues, making us all have different reactions to things. I am one to doubt things before they can even start, or even bloom. I doubt things, and lose faith in people before they have even given me a reason not to, and that my friends is something we call trust issues. I'm tired, but I'm never tired enough to stop searching for whatever it is I am looking for, and there is so much. I know I will know someday, maybe we all will find an answer. But I guess the whole point is not knowing, discovering and unravelling. Im finding that life really is an adventure, a journey, or just something for us to do. Either way Im pushing through, sailing the sea and where it takes me I dont know, but I am going, going there.