Confounded

I don't like being here.

I don't like the present.

I dislike waiting.

I dislike being stuck here in order to get to somewhere else.

I find it exhausting,

and I strive to escape the world on a daily basis.

Everything is headache and pain and hurt,

and the thing is...It's draining.

Your tired and you want to sleep,

but you have to wake up,

to complete you days and weeks and lives.

I hate routine and schedules and following a track.

I don't like lists and tasks and confinement.

I dont like being here.

I wish the thought of escape would leave my mind.

Its terrifying and it consumes me,

but it takes over me

and I can't fight it.

I don't know what I want anymore,

because I don't want anything at all.

Everything I wish I had the ability to do feels hopeless.

Getting to that somewhere we want to be feels infinitely long and endless.

Like I will never get there.

Too many stages, so many levels.

I wish this mind of mine was not mine,

Its whispering things to me I wish didn't think

or hear or believe.

Its the part of me I have tried to fight,

all my life.

But it wins every time,

and i'm tired of trying to block it out

when it constantly drowns me.

I tell myself "don't panic."

But I can't run away or hide

when I am being chased,

swallowed,

captured

By all the dark I'll ever know.